A Background Tell

My Life to Date: Reflections Through the Sands of Time


When I was a little boy, younger than 5, I was a victim of sexual abuse by my father. This inevitably led to my parents divorcing ultimately in a rather unrelated way. As I got a little bit older I began acting in a way that was unfit. By age 5 my mother began dating a very good man. It was after moving in to this mans home that I first began acting out. After the divorce I was allowed to visit with my father as mom knew nothing of the sexual abuse. when I would visit with my father I would constantly witness, intently, my father and his new woman engage in sexual relations. Though the physical sexual abuse had stopped, this was no better. So it only made since that when I got settled in with my mom and her new bo, I began imitating the sexual acts I witnessed with my favorite stuffed animal. This happened every night before I slept. Though I didn't know exactly what I was doing I got the primess. A short time later, I was introduced to my moms boyfriends daughters. To make this a bit shorter let's just get to the points. Every night I would watch a movie with his youngest daughter who was in her teens. I would lay in front of her between her breasts. about half way through the movie each night I would be allowed, and incouraged by her, to play with her bare breasts under her shirt. She would have me pretend to be a baby and suck on her nipples. Afterwards, she would take me to my room and tuck me in. It never went any further than that but after she would leave the room I would engage once again in my sex ritual with my stuffed animals. That was the end of that chapter as soon the relationship my mother was in ended and that was that.

A year or so later, my mom began dating another man. I hated him but for all the wrong reasons. We eventually moved in with him and life was great. A couple years later me and mom were introduced to his daughter from a previous marriage. She was a few years younger than myself and very timid. As we got to know each other we slept in the same room as it was only a two bedroom house. Soon we started exploring each other and often played "Doctor" fully exposing ourselves to each other. Time past and we eventually stopped these games and became more appropriate siblings. I began going to school and made friends quickly. One of my best friends was a girl whom I quickly developed a crush on. She lived in the same apartment complex and we would go to each others house after school until the one of our parents got home. Of course being 11 we were prone to hormone curiousity induced make out sessions and "petting" under each others clothing. We never called each other boyfriend/girlfriend, nor did we ever do anything more than that but we did enjoy our after school time. She eventually moved and I found my now stepdads porn. This is how I discovered masturbation at age 12. Soon though I found a new friend. She and I also played this after school game and, at times, came real close to actually engaging in full sexual intercourse. We would lay under her covers naked and play with each other. She would get on top of me or me on her and we would rub our genitals together. For all we knew we were having sex. This went on for about a year until eventually she also moved. I met a new friend after that and me and him were close friends. It was at this time that my life became pretty normal. For three years we played and took turns spending the night at each others house. He had 3 sisters and I found them all very attractive. I would stay awake and sneak into their bathroom and go through their laundry, sniffing their worn panties and bras. Their scent was intoxicating to me. I would peak through the cracked door while they showered and changed and often masturbate in the bathroom to what I had just seen. That was as far as that ever went and I was fine with that. One day me and my best friend thought it would be a good idea to share masturbation with each other. We stroked ourselves while watching each other. This was the first and only time this happened and honestly I'm glad. I don't regret it but it just wasn't for me. After that life was normal. Eventually he moved and so did my family. This began my Middle school dramas. Sixth grade was fine. I had a few girlfriends, found out how to finger a girl and played with a lot of tits and vag's. It wasn't until seventh grade that the problems started. There was this girl in my orchestra class that I had a crush on and she flirted back hard. We would get really close and she would allow me to feel on her and that was the beginning of the bad times. After touching her butt she went to the councelor and acused me of sexual harrasment. I nearly got expelled. But this did not just happen once, no I was an idot. This happened four times. Each time I'd be furious and she would flirt, apologize, and convince me it was just a game and she really liked me. After the fourth time I got smart. The next day I brought a mini voice recorder and hid it in my pocket. As she went through her usual let's still be friends spill, I recorded it all. That same day she acused me of the same stuff only this time I hadn't even touched her. I was called down to the office and both our parents were brought in. She turned on the water works and everyone was convinced that I was a problem child. This time though, I had back up. I played the recording back for all to hear and she was quickly expelled for false alligations. I was free and clear. For the rest of my middle school time, all was normal. I had a couple girlfriends in eigth grade and got plenty more hands on (fingers in) experiance.

High school is were I met the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. We saw each other initially at orientation. After that I found that we had a couple classes together. This was perfect. I quickly tried to get to know her and eventually we became friends. We would talk on the phone all through the night. After a while our conversations became very sexually charged. We would masturbate with each other over the phone and in school we flirted like no other. There even came a point were she would wheel herself over to me in computer class and stick her pussy juice moistened finger into my mouth for me to taste. I was totally in love. We talkked and flirted and played but never, ever, never dated. I'd ask and be denied for one reason or another. She dated my best friend and told me she couldn't date me because I was black and she wasn't allowed. After that she went out with this jerk mixed guy, so I of course had to ask how she could date him and not me. I don't honestly remember the excuse she gave for that one because by that time I was livet. So I found a girlfriend of my own. Three months into my relationship my dream girl became avaliable and was ready to give me a chance. I had to say no. I was in a relationship and, after all the crap she had put me through, I just wanted her to know how it felt. We still talked on the phone and still had sexual conversations. I was still a virgin up to the point that school ended. Over the Summer I lost my virginty to my high school girlfriend and from that point I was, and have been ever since, addicted to sex. My first time lasted over an hour and I was totally hooked. After that, when I talked to my dream girl I could project to her what she was missing not being with me. I told her I lost my virginity, and that I wanted it to be hers, and that it was her fault. I just wanted her to hurt like I did. Eventually we lost contact when she moved and went to another school but she eventually got back in contact with me and it was as if nothing changed, like time froze from when we last spoke. Life with my high shool girl friend was steady. We continued dating for a couple years and I enjoyed the life of sex. As our relationship went on we started growing apart ever so slightly. When she graduated I was a year behind her and this distance caused me to cheat on her with a freshman. After that we dealt with it and stayed together an in the beginning of the relationship she had continued to have sex with her controlling ex. A few months later she cheated on me and I again cheated on her. Shortly after all that we went out to a friends house and got drunk. In that time we were fine. A few more trips out there and we got drunk regularly. The last time though I got way to drunk and tried to have sex with every female their though this is simply what I was told as I didnt remember any of it. Apparently things were much worse than that and we broke up that weekend.

After all that I began dating a new girl whom I had a crush on back in school that I never thought I'd have a chance with. We had sex a lot and it was horrible except the last time. I eventually end it after cheating on her with a friends ex and I began dating her. We dated after I enrolled in the same college. This ultimately got us in to some trouble after we got caught having sex in the bathroom on the girls floor. After nearly getting expelled we were more cautious. I eventually was introduced to her parents and we dated for about a year. I eventually convinced her to allow me to pierce her hood as I was a body piercer while in college to pay for my classes. We continued to date until we went to a party and she decided to get high. I lost it and pinned her against a wall as I was drun and mad. After that night we broke up.

A year later I met a girl at a local band show at my piercing booth. We started dating and took everything slowly. I was 19 then and I found out a few weeks into our relationship that she was 15 and a virgin. She wanted me to be her first and I was excited to be. We dated a few months with nothing more than me fondling her and her giving me bj's. It came to the point were we had an opportunity and she was ready to go all the way. I took it nice and slow and was really gentle. Once I felt she was ready from me licking and fingering her I entered her ever so slowly and she felt no pain. We had sex for over an hour with her friends down stairs waiting. After we were done we got dressed and went down to join her friends. They congradulated her and they giggled and gossiped. We often attended local shows with her friend driving us. We would have sex in the back seat while her friends were up front watching through the mirror. Sometimes she would just give me a bj. We dated until she decided she wanted to run away from home. I drove her where she wanted to go and eventually we had to go back to her house. When we got to her house the police were there and I could have been arrested but her parents liked me and allowed me to just go home and agree to break up with her. So I did.

I stayed single after that for a few years and just hung out with old friends. I eventually began a sexual relationship with one of the girls and we had sex A LOT! It was just one of those friends-with-benefits type relationships and all we did was hang out and have sex period. On my 21st birthday I finally had sex with my high school dream woman. She gave herself to me that night and after that my friend and I didn't have sex for a month. Eventually though we went back to the way things were. One day we went to visit one of her friends and her boyfriend. We hung out there and went back to her house. We had sex and I went home. This happened everyday for about a month. We would go out to her friends house and then we'd do the same thing. As we continued going to her friends house me and the friend started getting close. Her boyfriend worked at night so he was hardly ever there. After a while I start driving out to see her friend alone and eventually we ended up having sex on the hood of my car a few blocks down from her house and her sleeping boyfriend. After that we ended up telling both her boyfriend and our mutual friend. This of course led to me never seeing her again and me and my friend returned to our friends-with-benefits relationship. About a year later as we continued our sex only relationship she got a call from someone wanting me to pierce a friend of theirs. We went over and to my surprise it was a friend from the past I had been interested in. That night after I pierced her, me and my sex buddy went home, had sex, and I went back to my house. I quickly jumped in my car and drove back over to the girls house I pierced. That night we talked about the past and eventually ended up having sex for hours. From that day I was regurly having sex with both girls. I would have sex 7 and 8 times a day between the two girls and life was great. Eventually both myself and the girl I pierced decided we were done sleeping with anybody else and started dating. I moved in with her and we partied, had sex, and partied some more. After being together for a year I went on a family trip and while gone she cheated on me. When I got home I confronted her about it and she confessed. We dealt with it and worked things out. A few months later she ended up pregnant and I decided we should get married. We did, and we had our son and life was good for the most part. This though was short lived and we soon seperated. We tried to work things out and got back together. I got a job and worked as a bouncer at a night club. The relationship ended up not working out again and I ended up cheating on her with one of the employes. She was a sexy redhead and I couldn't help it, Iwas unhappy. We slept together more than a few times and all was fine until her exboyfriend found out. He also worked at the club. She ended up getting back with him and I went back to my wife. We stayed together for another 9 months or so and eventually ended up having a threesome with the girl I lost my virginity to as a way to possibly save our marriage. It didn't work, the relationship was doomed. After and argument and her physically assaulting me I ended it. Because she was the agressor I had no charges brought against me. I ended up with custody of my son and again single.

A few months later I decided to track down my high school dream woman as I had run in to her a few times over the years. She was married and everytime I found her she was pregnant. So I looked her up, gave her a call, and went to see her. She was still married but her hubby was in jail so we were allowed to see each other. He hated me and I him as we knew each other from middle school and were enemies. A few days later, with her 8+ months pregnant we had sex.

So I took care of my son and was single and pursuing my dream woman. After a time we finally ended up together. It has been 5 years and we are now married. Now in this relationship I've dealt with the issue of my sex addiction and I have shared this with my wife. At a point she even went so far as being open to an open reltaionship. We laid the ground rules and eventually I introduced her to a woman I was interested in sleeping with per out agreed upon ground rules. Nothing ever came of it and eventually a phone call from this girl late one night caused more drama than it was worth. So that was the end of that. Since then we have ventured into the swingers scene with a couple we've befriended. Were as I do enjoy watching my wife engage with other women It's done nothing for me at all. I've been again given permission of sorts to be with other women under the understanding that it could end our marriage. So still, I do nothing and deal day to day with my desires, lust, and frustration. Plagued by hypersexuality, unable to satisfy my addiction out of fear of losing the most special person I've ever had the privelage of being with.

So how is it I can be in love completely, happier than I've ever been, and still lusting and wanting more? It's a disease and it is one with few options for a cure other than medication to remove nearly all sexual desire. Where to go from here? What to do?

Now I can begin to deal with it in words, taing it one day at a time...