It's been a few years since last I posted here. We have moved numerous times, to a different state, back again, into a house, living with friends, back to an apirtment of our own. The children have gotten older. Bonds strengthened, others weakened. But the marriage...well, the marriage has had it's ups and downs as well. There have been things said, accusations made, trusts broken and mended and broken again. It's actually been quite the living hell for me over the past 2 years or so. Over time and through it all I feel I've fallen a bit out of love with my wife. I know that most, anMayOnlyd I do mean most of it, is due to the allegations and broken trust she's placed on me. The other reason.......well, the other reason is a bit more complex. Truth be told I've fallen in love with another. She is everything I love about my wife but with a certain deeper connection, on many levels and in many ways, to and with me. Yeah, it's our, rather my wifes, daughter. She is my world. We share all the same interest (well most anyway), we do everything together, she adores me as much as I do her, we like the same music, movies, art, singing, darkness, emo/scene culture, anime and manga, all things Japan, poetry, clothes ... just..... everything. She is genuine, open, honest, and above all, pure and innocent. There could never be any other type of relationship between us other than the father-daughter one, but if things where different--she older or I younger--she would be The One.
So, as it is right now in this present day, do to all the allegations of our father/daughter relationship is much more than it is, we have begun to drift apart and it breaks my heart because of how we're forced to feel. She too has confessed to me (as I have to her) my true feelings. She has professed her being in love with me before even I did. But it's been a few years, lots of stress, multiple allegations by numerous individuals, and threats from my wife that have caused this wedge to drive us apart. Also, as she gets older, more mature, hormone driven, and freer to think for herself, I know those her own age are just more appealing and, because of everything we've had to endure, it's an easier answer...distraction, focal point, escape...than continuing a fantasy love that may never be. I mean I'm literally nearly 20 years her senior. It would be another 5 to 8 years before we could even think of having a serious, adult, intimate, real, actual relationship. And even then, there is the matter of my being still married and committed, for all intent and purpose, to her mother. So I'd have to divorce her mother or she'd have to pass away; Savy would have to try to defy everything her body/hormones/brain/desires tell her in dealing with love, sex, dating, lust, etc. for another 5+ years; we'd have to most definitely leave the state if not the country to avoid the hell it would cause with family; we would both literally have to cut all ties, abandon all relationships, and all connections to both our families..... I mean, honestly, there is so much that makes the idea of there being an "us" beyond complicated it's almost better that I just......let go.....give up... Problem is, how can I possibly ever do that when I see her every single day? She's affectionate, loving, and adoring toward me and, at times, in ways beyond just a daughter. I know, regardless of her maturing interest in her age group, that I truly am her #1. Her first true love, regardless of the initial meaning of it for her. She may not ever love another the way, and as much, as she loves me. But it's still hard none the less. I think about losing her, letting her go to pursue her happiness in love, and all I can think is to do so would mean that I would have to remove myself from her life completely. I'd have to divorce my wife, her mother, and disappear completely. There is no other way.
The fact of the matter is, though, that I still very much love my wife. I'm still, to a point, in love with my wife. And I still desire to be with my wife and kids even if it is in most part because of my daughter. Leaving her, losing my daughter, would be the most devastating thing to ever befall my life and in all honesty I would rather die, kill myself even, than to lose my daughter. I feel we are soulmates born at the wrong time for this life time that just happened upon each others past souls to influence our next life after this one when we can be with one another. In this life I may only be meant to be with her mother and, maybe meet her for the reasons previously stated. It's all so confusing and devastating to me right now. I hate this. Being in love with her is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. What will the future hold for us all? The wife and I? The daughter and I? Myself? I simply haven't a clue...
No comments:
Post a Comment